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Academy award documentary, artist, artist mothers, balance of parenthood, dancer, documentary, film, mother, Pamela Tanner Boll, parenthood, struggles of motherhood, who does she think she is
I was asked to be on a panel for the screening of the Documentary, “Who Does She Think She Is?”.
Who Does She Think She Is? is new documentary film directed by Academy Award winning producer, Pamela Tanner Boll. The film follows the struggles and joys of five women trying to lead creative lives as artists while keeping up as parents and partners. For these women, art does not have to be “self-centered,” and care-taking doesn’t have to be “selfless,” and it is in fact the mix that gives them their vitality.
I was on a panel with 5 additional artists all of who are mothers as well.
The 5 women in the film were mostly visual artists and one performance/theatre artist. There wasn’t a dancer represented and I felt that my issues with creating art and being a parent are vastly different from those of visual artists. No offense visual artists, but hear me out.
Visual artists are typically described as those who work with mediums such as canvas, paints, paper, metal, stone, clay, photography..etc
As a dance performance artist, I work with a company. I am not a solo artist and while the women in the film found time late at night to work on their craft, I cannot do that. It is physically dangerous to have dance rehearsals at midnight and I don’t think I would be able to find any dancer willing to put their body in that sort of harm.
My creative process is very intense, I immerse myself in my projects and it consumes me. In the art world you hear this saying, ” your piece of art is like birthing a baby“. It comes from within you with a lot of love and hard work and preparation. The idea of waking up extra early to create dance just does not fully work. Also, you have to take into consideration the power of the creative mind…it can strike at any time and what do you do when you have the sweetest 5 Year Old needing care and attention and love and dinner? I for one ignore the creative mind and go with the mommy brain. It’s painful.
Today, I had a crappy day, actually I have had a crappy few weeks really, I just can’t find a way to work on my art and be a parent…where is the balance? Who do I think I am?? Do I really think I can manage this?
I started this blog as a creative outlet. When we had Lily, I had to curb my dance career. Yes I did. as much as I would like to think I didn’t…I did. It was really tough for a long time. I cried about losing my life, I weeped about losing my dance, I mourned the loss of my art community and immersed myself in mommy world.
I lost friends over being a parent. Relationships that were near and dear to me were lost because I had a child and this took up my time and I was unable to function as a social butterfly.
I started this blog to find my voice again and to have an outlet that did not necessarily have to deal with using my “passive” voice all the time. I created this blog so I could write about Lily and how amazing she is, I created this blog so I could have this community that gets what I am saying, and I created this blog for survival..really.
So I thank you, Dear Reader for nudging me along with your kind comments. Everytime I get a comment on my posts I feel like its a lifeline.
My little blog has become not so little and I find this being my “jobby” = hobby that’s pretending to be a job. I make no money off of this. It is purely for my sanity.
I have opportunities coming my way all the time and while I made a decision to NOT be a fulltime working parent, I find myself working fulltime on my blog… in addition to making dances of course.
Is it too much for a mom to want to be more than a mom? meaning…want another title?
I have lost ME in this Mom-me.
I find a resistance to this. My mommy friends sometimes think I’m nuts. Maybe I am. Maybe being a mom is not fully satysfying, maybe I need additional stimulation to make me a better mom. I need to be inspired, and while laundry is ultra challenging, (I mean my guest bedroom has a mound of clean laundry on the bed, it’s shameful!), I have this need for intellegence, inspiration, mental stimulation and big words as opposed to,”do you need to go potty”.
Is it too much to want to make your ‘jobby’ your job? While being a parent?
Since starting this blog, I have been published in publications, offered ‘expert’ advice on many outlets, been invited to fab events all through NYC and receive “presents’ in the mail daily! This blog has given me something that my daily life couldnt … drive, inspiration, truth and stimulation.
The truth is, parents are people and these people are real and this switch of person to parent is a tough one…for some. It does not happen quickly and it sometimes does not happen without a loss, a mourning of a previous life. It’s ok to mourn your pre-parent life, you should do that for closure and then celebrate, celebrate fully your parent life. I find myself wanting more than what’s in front of me. I find it hard for me to settle with the repitition of parenthood. Is it too much to want a little more than the daily routine that revolves around your kid?
I think it’s in my creative nature to want to learn about the environement which I am in. Not only to learn… but to contribute. This is my nature and it’s purely a part of who I am. I can’t sit on the sidelines and WATCH it happen, I want to help MAKE it happen, I want to invest in my life and my childs life , which is also…my life.
So is it too much to want more for YOUR parent- life?
The answer that I have come to is
NO. Find a balance and go for it.
What is your answer?
Wow- Your blog really spoke out to me this morning. I sometimes feel so torn–between my old life as a single professional, the possibilities that lie ahead if I can invest the time to shape them into reality, and the time my children need to become safe, happy, loved adults. I’m often left with guilt that if I invest in my future, my children will suffer. And I imagine putting the professional aspirations aside and devote all my time and energy to being their for them. And this really appeals to me until I do it in real time. Sure it’s fun on vacation–but in real time, here in Westchester I get bored quickly. While I totally respect full time parents, I can’t always relate to the chatter or concerns.
I’m trying to strike a balance and I think I have the energy for it–then POW I’m up all night worrying I don’t. IT is a conundrum. Glad to know I’m not the only one.
Hey Girl,
Great piece. I also read the NY Times article you posted last week but haven’t been able to figure out how I feel about it…maybe not now either (coffee is still brewing!).
Here’s sort of where I’m coming from. I work full-time. I happened upon a career that I am more passionate about than I ever was about the arts. I never thought that could happen. Yep, I sit in a desk…but not all of the time. I visit people in one of the wealthiest areas in the world that can’t afford to feed their children or lost their homes. And I visit people who are cleaning our water or creating art. I get to be a part of changing the community I grew up in…for the better. It’s my honor.
But it’s also my burden. I want to be a SAHM more than anything in the world, it just isn’t our reality. Sometimes people look at me like I’m crazy or like I have a choice but being a mom is the biggest job we’ll ever get and it’s not a choice I have the luxury of. Yes, I have a great career. But the thing is, all those things that make it so great, are all things I want to teach my kids. And all the things that make it so great, also pull me away from them.
I remind myself on a regular basis that we are not raising kids, we are raising people. I want these small people to grow up to be big people who help others in need, who are stewards of their environment, who value their education and who appreciate art in a way that consumes them.
The greatest joy for me is hearing my daughter talk about philanthropy even though she doesn’t know she’s talking about it. For you, that’s art…and I can see in Lily that she’s an artist too. You ARE being creative. She is your biggest project! You are opening her eyes day by day. Hang in there…you’ll find balance. And of course it’s important. This lease is up in 13 years and counting.
And, yes, it is DAMN hard. That looming laundry? Ditto. Lost friends? Ditto. Sometimes I can’t even remember if they brushed their teeth. And they argue and they fight and I get even more unpopular because I make sure they stick to the rules. Again, I’m raising people. And people just don’t throw plastic bats at each other or put chili cheese fritos in their pants. (And if you know anyone that does please don’t tell my kids…I have a whole thing going over here.) My sister gets to spoil them while I put people in time out and make them hug one another.
And that’s the thing, they hug one another. They hug me. They ask questions about oil in our ocean, about people on the street, about art and music and dance. They observe. They’re kind. They’re polite and they are the funniest people I know! And I’m proud of that.
I think parenthood is the only ‘job’ in the world where you only feel gratitude after you have children of your own. I mean, wow, I never *really* knew how much my parents loved me.
We’re doing an important thing, Maria. We are changing the world…one kid at a time.
Jill thanks for your words, as always…you say it much better!
Find your balance and go for it!
I am constantly…. CONSTANTLY reexamining my balance of wife, mom and hobbies. I just have to shift things around and what gets left off… gets left off.
I am not a professional dancer, but dancing has gotten in my blood and I miss it. Have not been ballroom dancing since our 3rd was born! Sigh… It’s hard to “give up”.
I think mom’s have moments throughout the ENTIRE time of being mom’s wondering how they disappeared.
Take care!!!
Dee
A very dear friend sent me a link to this post today. And it meant the world to me. And I want you to know it!
I’m right there with you. In every part.
THIS is ME: ” I can’t sit on the sidelines and WATCH it happen, I want to help MAKE it happen”
Oh how this is me. I struggle with it every. single. day. And it’s more than frustrating, it’s maddening!
Can we shine as individuals, make our mark on the world and yet still wipe sticky hands and make sure our kids say please and thank you? I think so. I’ve GOT to HOPE so. Because as much as I love my son to pieces, there has to be something for ME and me alone.
Thanks for putting this out in the world. I’m saving it to read on days I really need to know someone else is sharing in it.
Hoping you’re coming to BlogHer! I’d love to meet you!
Michelle
Michelle, Thanks for this comment. You have really touched my heart and the whole “lifeline” thing…yep!
I am certainly going to Blogher and would love to connect. thank so much for your kindest words!
Whew! Your blog is full of so many things that I know a lot of moms are struggling with.
L is so lucky to have such a creative, life-loving mom. After only 6 1/2 years (and 3 boys) of mothering, all I can offer to this conversation is that being a mom changes so much and so quickly.
I describe motherhood as the best challenge I’ve ever faced!
Kristi you have such a great handle on motherhood! I always think of how great and put together you look…everytime I see you. How do you do it! I need your secret!
word up!